The Raven's Realm

Is there anything more

2009-10-14T15:27:00.002-06:00

Got nothing to believe in
Can't catch a break
Most times it seems to me
My life's one big mistake

All there seems to be is struggle
And nightmares may come true
All I feel is ugly
And bruised all the way through

Feel like the world's biggest loser
Can't seem to do anything right
I ain't afraid of dying
But can't seem to walk into the night

I wish I knew what I did so wrong
To be born to lose this way
Sometimes I wish the sun wouldn't come up
Don't want to live another day

Just want to run away and hide
Escape from my soul's pain
Only reason I don't suicide
I don't want to do this shit ever again

Karma's a bitch
And I am too
Some people's lives
Ain't nothing but screwed

Gonna slink back in the shadows
And feel plain bad some more
Maybe in some other life
I'll get an even score

But my luck won't change tomorrow
And it won't change today
So I lurk in the darkness
I guess that's where I'm gonna stay

I don't want to live this life
I'm tired of this shit
If there was the least opportunity
I'd take the chance to split

Just another bad day
In another bad way
My black heart beats ever on
More sour luck is on its way

Lily
On one of my bad days

Excerpt: To Those Who See

2009-09-20T00:26:00.003-06:00

Each swan will always be a swan, beautiful and full of grace
Each blue jay will always remain a jay
No frog would ever try to induce a turtle to live his way
And perhaps that is the secret to peaceful co-existence
--Gwen Frostie

This is from a chapbook published in 1965, which, for what it's worth, is the year I was born. It is on display at the retirement community where I work.

Weary

2009-07-04T06:09:00.003-06:00

I'm so very tired and sad
I've lost the music and the magic and the dreams
I've lost the mystery and the ability to use my imagination
To build new worlds
I've lost my hope, I've lost my faith
I've lost my precious yesterdays and my better tomorrows
I've lost the belief that anything holds any meaning
In the eyes of a cold and impersonal universe
My heart is bruised and broken in my chest
And everything goes on and on forever still

Signs of Spring

2009-04-29T16:59:00.002-06:00

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of love
but of
a rotting corpse bloating in the sun

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of carefree days of youth
but of days
Spent thinking of slitting my wrists
To escape the sadistic peers
of youth

Spring comes on
Making me feel not renewed
But desperate
Trapped
Suicidal

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of happy childhood
But of fire ants
And packs of mad dogs
And rapists of little girls
And a nasty old fundamentalist Christian neighbor who called me a slut
For running about without a shirt
I was six years old

Spring comes on
And I wish I were gone
Across the sea
Across the galaxy
My body rotting in its grave
While my shade haunts the surrounding cemetery
Being anyone but me
Anywhere but here

Spring comes on
And reminds me
Of what a failure I always was
Still am
And ever will be

Spring comes on
And reminds me that hell is eternity
And the devil's garden is filled with tiny purple flowers that choke the breath from me
And smell like rotting dead things

Spring comes on
With horrible sunny days to torture me
And remind me that I don't belong
And I wish against all hope that it would rain
And erase the ugly feeling of the season
When I first tried to commit suicide
Almost 30 years ago

Some things are buried
And even rot
But never die

The promise of spring
For me has never been
Anything but a mocking lie
Like the words "I love you"
Spoken by the silken tongues of evil boys
Who didn't know the meaning of the word
Who wanted a fuck and didn't care who they hurt to get one

You love the beauty of spring
But for me it means only ugliness and death
Within and without
And I will be just as happy to see it gone again

Lily
April 29 2009

Work computer

2009-04-12T00:38:00.000-06:00

This computer at work
Shudders and jerks
Must be dying, I say
It crashes each day
But the administrators all cry
A new one ain't in the budget
So you better just stuff it
And get back to work
Or you'll be out on the street
Down, discouraged and beat
In the middle of recession
Fire ain't no blessin'

Poem in memory of my co-author

2009-04-08T06:08:00.000-06:00

You fell to earth like a meteor
Scorching the minds and hearts of all whose souls were not already too blackened to feel
And changing the world forever
Lily

The dead weep

2009-02-03T01:49:00.003-07:00

The undying sorrow
of my black heart
pours from my bleeding mouth

Yellow tears
from putrefied eyes
reveal the depths of agony
in my dead soul

Ivy grows and strangles
the last of hope
from my decaying brain

Life after death
reincarnation
All horrifying thoughts
I don't ever want to do this again

Lily
(with or without help...I don't know)

Darkness Within

2009-01-08T14:59:00.002-07:00

My heart is too dark
No amount of light can ever penetrate
The blackness in my soul

Where does one find hope
When nothing can reach
Into the depths
Of the pitch black
That is my psyche

Regrets for a Dying Year

2008-12-26T05:42:00.002-07:00

At the end of the dying year
I kneel in my remorse-filled dreams
On the grave of somebody
That no-one ever knew

The roots of dead branches claw the gray sky
And I attend the funeral
Of the self that was never allowed to be

26 December 2008

Animal welfare drive

2008-12-10T13:26:00.001-07:00

Please consider making a donation to this drive for animal welfare. When you do, please mention my name, Lily Strange, on the donation form, and you will get a free reading. Thank you!

Animal welfare drive

2008-12-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

Please consider making a donation to this drive for animal welfare. When you do, please mention my name, Lily Strange, on the donation form, and you will get a free reading. Thank you!

The Battle Field

2008-12-08T00:52:00.002-07:00

The Battle Field

Standing before the battle ground

Witnessing the carnage

Of a life lived in turmoil

Ended by the desperation of one self

Who could no longer bear the torture of his thoughts

The destruction that he wrought

Was only upon himself

But the aftermath is more wide spread

Than any one could know

The memory carried within the hearts, the minds, the souls

For perhaps a hundred or more years to come

A legacy unspeakable

Did he manage to put an end to the ugliness in some small way

Even if not the sorrow?

I hated you for years

I love you now again

I forgive you for the transgressions you make

Please forgive me for mine

My shadow brother

(Channeled from my co-author. The host personality of his soul speaking to the protector personality with whom he was at war for many years.--LS)

My New Social Network

2008-12-05T02:09:00.000-07:00

Are you the open-minded sort? Have you ever been described as left of center? Are you possibly creative, potentially psychic, or maybe just psycho? Then come join my new fellowship! I created it especially for freaks like you and me.

Visit New Strange World

Sunset on my Life

2008-12-01T12:12:00.002-07:00

The sun setting on the beach makes me to feel a little bit sad.
I go wherever I want to in time
But am not seen by those I knew
I am called away when I think it is too soon
But I am not the wise one
And so I accept my fate
And wait to understand
And try to do a little more
Than just lie down and sleep

I am a friend of the Lurker in Shadow aka the Undead Asshole
This profile is legion and used by many
And we're all ghosts
Boo!

Dissipation

2008-11-03T09:37:00.002-07:00

My youth
My hopes
My dreams
Wash away

Like blood running
Into the gutter
From the gaping gash
In the throat of the murderer's victim

His voice and mine
Both forever silent now.

A loss invisible to most

2008-10-15T22:07:00.000-06:00

Just feeling like I'm losing the real me
In the middle of trying to be
What everyone else wants me to.

Cancer of the Soul

2008-10-02T23:12:00.004-06:00

Apathy
Born of disappointment
Bastard child of exhaustion
Infects my heart and mind
And metastasizes to my soul

The husks of lost tomorrows
The putrefying corpses of dead dreams
Litter the landscape of my psyche
My joy turns to dust
My hopes rot unburied on a hateful landscape of delusion
As the merciless sun burns scorches the dying world of my visions

The cancer of apathy consumes my ability to care
Love floats bloated and dead on a sea of filth
I want to care
I want to feel
I want to open my arms and embrace
Death

My heart would explode if I were to allow myself to feel
The cancer of apathy tightens about it like a vine
Chokes the life from all that I ever held dear
I am a husk
A shell
An appearance of something human

I am poisoned by the chemotherapy of normalcy
I stand undead
Enraged
Wishing to tear out the hearts of all that judged me
Wishing to feel something besides hate
Wishing to wake up and find something beautiful.

Lily and Shadow Lurker

The concept was mine but the weight of the embellishment is my spectral friend's. The style I use to express such things is different. It's pretty difficult for me to write poetry any more but he took the idea and ran with it. The medical references are from my mind--I've had way more medical training than I'd ever have wished.

He states that the death reference obviously doesn't mean physically dying in his case. He still gets depressed and wishes he could shut off his mind. Direct quote:

"This is the dirty trick on anyone that chooses to kill themselfs. Your thoughts will never shut up! If you think to shut up your unhappiness by dying, the joke is on you."

I try to keep that in mind because sometimes the temptation to give up is strong.

I also don't want to leave the suicide legacy to my son, who suffers from bouts of severe depression. If I was to yack myself, the message his psyche would hear would be "this is the only way to solve things." The world needs more people like him. So I want him to keep fighting.

Besides, the minute I showed up on the other side, the tall, gaunt dude would smack me so hard my head would spin around Exorcist-style in order to try and clear the wax out of my ears. He's always accusing me of not listening as it is. I'm listening--I'm just ignoring him!

Only joking. I actually do hear. But my brain, which is made of lime Jello, works slow and sometimes things take a while to penetrate the coagulation. Besides, he's a little fucker that teases me about stuff all the time, so I have to make vain attempts to get even every now and then.

Doing this actually made me feel better. I hope it had the same effect for my friend. Yes, I give him shit, but the truth is, I love you, Dude.

There's some good vengeance. He ought to be cringing for some time now! >;)

Exhumed Soul

2008-09-21T00:06:00.001-06:00

Debated sharing this. Am considering asking it to be included at the end of the new book, but do not know if it is good enough.

Exhumed Soul

Have care with the decision you make
You can never have returned
The life that you take

Six feet deep my body lies
My voice longs to speak
I am longing to weep
But have no eyes to cry

My heart ceased to beat
But still I feel the pain in my breast
Dead but not gone
Never to rest

Will anyone ever hear
The silent screams
Will anyone ever heal
The wounds upon my soul

My body cares not
But I long to live

(a note that I have help to rhyme my English now but do not care to do so very often, though once I thought it would be well if I could be better at it.)

Bits of Me

2008-09-18T22:45:00.002-06:00

I watch remorsefully from above
As bits of my life tumble into the rushing river below
And race away from me forever

I am losing myself
Bit by bit
Day by day
To a world that doesn't care what anyone has to say
Or about the hearts of anyone who dwells herein

I still think I'm an alien
And I'm still waiting to go home.

Cie

Words from Heaven

2008-08-03T20:33:00.002-06:00

The late "Dobro" was an incredible poet. I wish I could have "met" her while she was still living. She was bipolar and suffered from schizoaffective dosorder as well.
Read Storms of Madness here.

Missing

2008-08-02T19:58:00.002-06:00

I've gone missing and don't know where to find myself
Wasn't I a girl last time I looked?
A girl with hopes and dreams and all her life ahead?

When did I become this thing
This bloated, hopeless, human lie
With every possibility buried in the dust of time
And nothing to look forward to
Except the grave

Forever

2008-08-02T19:55:00.003-06:00

Forever is a lie a child tells herself

Forever love
Forever friendship
Forever family

Family members die because life is not eternal
Lovers lie
Friends leave

Forever is a lie that would be wonderful to believe

Snark Bite

2008-06-29T23:05:00.002-06:00

I am fond of the word Snark
Which reminds me of the magnificent shark
The greatest fish in the sea
The one difference would be
That a shark's bite is far worse than it's bark

Paper Doll

2008-05-25T02:04:00.003-06:00

Let me tell you
What makes me weary
I'm sick and tired of
Everyone who thinks they know better than me
What I should be
What I should do
What I should think
And who wants to dress me in pretty pastels
And wrap me up with bows
And paint a smile on my face
Because that's what a girl should be
And who wants to give me scented lotions
And mysterious potions
And push pills down my throat
To turn me into who they think I should have become
And who wants to tell me what I should dream
What I should imagine
What I should create
Take a scissor
And a big square of paper
And cut out the form of a woman
About 5 foot five
With the perfect measurements of course
Because a woman's hips shouldn't be this wide
And then draw a perfect face
Always smiling of course
Because good girls never get angry or frown
And you can name it after me
And then you can have just what you want
And it will never be sad
Or sick
Or disobedient
I've just given you the perfect woman
Now why don't you give me what I want
And leave me the fuck alone?

The Real Lily/Cie
Flawed as fuck
Angry as hell
Tired of playing nice

Back to Black

2008-05-23T09:28:00.003-06:00

(a convoluted fucking poem that doesn't rhyme in the same way all the time and follows no fucking format, just tells that I am having a BAD FUCKING DAY and feeling very alone and friendless right now, and if you don't like it, fuck off. I don't need anyone's condescending attitude. I'm crazy, not stupid, and condescension does not sit well with me. So if you don't have something kind or helpful to say, don't say anything at all. And don't even talk to me about meds. Most of them make me very, very sick. I can't take them. Poetry that HONESTLY tells how I'm feeling is one of the ways I cope. So if you're only going to tell me I "need help..." Bitch, I already know that and am getting the help I can! This is one of the things that helps me. If you can relate, cool. If you can sympathize, cool. If all you're going to do is tell me how "sick" I am, then piss off and die. This is it, this is real, this happens sometimes. Roll with it or go visit some fucking celebrity fan page and leave me alone. That being said, here it is. And it's worth every penny you paid for it!)

The bleak has set in
And I'm back to black
Feeling the gloom closing me in its trap

I want to take a gun
To my head, to my heart
To just end all this shit
To tear this misery apart

I won't I suppose
Though it would feel good in a way
To have revenge on the gloom
That ties me up in this way

I'm sick of the people
Telling me how to feel
I'm sick of hiding my emotions
And not saying what's real

I'm not always like this
But some of the time
I'm trapped in the darkness
Though the sun shines outside

And there are some people
Whose lives are that way
Abused and confused
In a prison each day

And who is anyone to tell them that they should just be happy
That the darkness isn't real
That their feelings are wrong

Who is anyone to judge
The anguish within
Those who give up the fight
Feeling there's no way to win

I guess I'm still fighting
For what the fuck it is worth
But at the same time I'm cursing
The day of my birth

"Quit complaining," I'm told
"Or take some kind of drug"
The drugs make me more crazy
I'd rather just take a slug

Give me a bullet
Give me a gun
Give me a black day alone
And I'll make it done

Lily
The Frustrated, Pissed off and Crazy Bitch From Hell

Damned Gloom

2008-05-14T00:59:00.002-06:00

The damned gloom
Settles upon me at moments
most inopportune

It comes without reason
Whatever the season
And leaves me inclined to curse

The Universe
Which allows me to fall
and to be crushed beneath

The unwanted spell
The unwarranted hell
Brought upon me at any time

Day or night
In darkness or light
By the damned gloom.

Lily

Into The Dark

2008-04-15T08:30:00.002-06:00

I'm having a bad day
And I guess it's ok for that to happen sometimes
But it doesn't feel that way

I wish that I were beautiful
I wish that I were wonderful
I wish that I were loved

But are any of these things a guarantee
That the darkness inside of me
Won't close in and destroy my soul?

Not that I--at least in this lifetime--will ever know.

L i l y

Eating Disorder

2008-04-14T23:40:00.001-06:00

My stomach is not hungry
My soul is hungry

But I do not know how to feed a soul
So I feed my stomach

And now I am fat
And my soul is hungrier than ever.

In The Dark Night of my Soul

2008-03-22T22:16:00.000-06:00

I do not believe in anything.
But that's all good.
For I don't think anything believes in me.

For my Son

2008-02-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today he seems in good spirits
And I bring him a quesadilla and a coconut shake
And laugh at his jokes
And feel sad and baffled
Because he seems just like a young man
Who is sensible, rational and intelligent
With a bright future ahead of him
Not like a troubled boy
Who ended up in the emergency room yesterday
With plans to kill himself.
And I try not to hate myself
(but I do)
For the fact that the genes that make his mind try to kill him
For no good reason
Come from me.
--Cie

For my son

I hope with any hope I ever had or have left that the counseling will help and you will be able to live a long, happy life in spite of the fact that you seem to have inherited my damn disease.

Me, Emo?

2008-02-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

You Are 48% Emo

You're not emo, but you're plenty thoughtful, unique, and even a little angsty.

Are You Emo?

Emo was after my time anyway. Actually, so was Goth. I'm pretty damn old!

What if

2008-01-25T12:13:00.001-07:00

What if I mattered
What if I were wonderful
What if I were beautiful
What if I were just good enough

What if I could turn something to nothing
Then maybe I would be
Somebody
Instead of just something
(really nothing)
Just a little bit of something

Worthless.

A Lame Limerick

2008-01-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

Scarlet was having a limerick contest on her blog and I entered this piece of sh...I mean, wit.

There once was a troll name of Jim
Who harrassed female bloggers on whim
When he was pushed from a cliff
The chicks all thought it was spiff
And now Jim never will get any trim

It's based on a true story, Folks. Suffice it to say, there really are some grade A fuckheads who get their jollies roaming about saying disgusting stuff to people and then they tweak their millimeter while reading the nasty comments that come back at them because it's the only attention losers like them can get. We're better off just not feeding them but this asshat had me so riled up....GRRRRR!!!!

All right, enough. I don't want to have to reach for the extra strength Valium today. Instead I'll just reach for my favorite fix:

Fukitol, take me away!
xxxooo,
Loony Lily

What If A Day

2007-12-10T03:43:00.000-07:00

What if a day or a month or a year
Crown thy delights with a thousand sweet contentings
May not the change of a night or an hour
Cross thy desires with as many sad tormentings
Fortune, honor, beauty youth
Are but blossoms dying
Wanton pleasure, doting love
Are but shadows flying
All our joys are but toys
Idle thoughts deceiving
None hath power of an hour
In their lives' bereaving

Earth's but a point to the world, and a man
Is but a point to the world's compared centure
Shall than the point of a point be so vain
As to triumph in a silly point's adventure?
As is hazard that we have
There is nothing biding
Days of pleasure are like streams
Through fair meadows gliding
Weal and woe, time doth go
Time is never turning
Secret fates guide our states
Both in mirth and mourning

--Thomas Campion
1606

Heart of Darkness

2007-11-24T16:11:00.000-07:00

I have descended again into the heart of darkness
Don't know how long I will remain
Don't want to be good
Don't want to be bad
Just want to finish rotting
Just want to be done
This can't be living
Does dying hurt so much?
I wish somebody knew me

Genius Poetry

2007-11-18T01:05:00.001-07:00

Get a Cash Advance

A Dangerous Flirtation

2007-11-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

Those who have never been lost in the unending gloom
Of the dark night of the soul
Can never understand
And will turn up their noses and revel in the illusion of false superiority
And they will never know
That suicide becomes harder to resist
When death has a pretty face
To match his soothing embrace
The desire to become his eternal beloved
Is almost irresistible.

Lily
11/11/2007

Wasting Time

2007-11-05T23:56:00.000-07:00

Your Love Type: ENFJ

The Giver

In love, you give your all and feel guilty when relationships fail.
For you, sex is not seperate from love and caring.

Overall, you are humorous, giving, and motivational.
However, you tend to be over-protective and critical of your partner.

Best matches: INFP or ISFP

What's Your Love Type?

I hate it when these things are accurate!

Brooding

2007-10-24T02:14:00.000-06:00

Shrouded, I walk the night

Cloaked in my suspicions

Hiding in shadows

I would like to believe you when you say you love me

But it seems too good to be true

I fear it must be gratitude

For I am not good enough to warrant the touch

Of even the lowliest creature on the earth

Let alone one so beautiful as you.

October 24 2007

Lies Resurfacing

2007-09-23T22:05:00.000-06:00

Day after day my soul turns dry and brown
Like flowers on a long forgotten grave
Yesterday is dead and tomorrow is a screaming nightmare
Why the fuck should I want to greet tomorrow
When its promise is nothing but a hollow lie?

Do you want me to lie and tell you that everything is rosy sunshine sky blue
When really everything is a stinking cesspool cemetery
Where the coffins have been pushed to the surface by the earthquakes of remembered misery
Yesterday is an agreed upon set of bullshit
Tomorrow is a fucking illusion
And today is an empty set of broken promises

I think all I want is to be left alone
In bad company
With the rotting corpses of my dead hopes
In the long-forgotten graveyard
Of my murdered dreams.

Bad

2007-09-08T13:41:00.000-06:00

How meaningless I am
And when I am sad
Everybody disappears
Nobody hears.

Lily

Icehouse Angel Street

2007-08-14T01:59:00.000-06:00

It's a song, but I think it's poetic too.

Icehouse - Angel Street Lyrics

she draws the curtain wide
and brushes back her hair
she stands before the mirror
wondering what to wear
but she knows no one will care
so easy to forget
just another sad affair
the girl on angel street
so she waits for the call
knowing only too well
a photograph a dusty window
where the sun strays in
everywhere the sounds of morning
as the day begins
people waiting at the station
do they go nowhere
two lines that stretch out in the distance
turn and disappear
but she knows no one will care
so easy to forget
just another sad affair
with the girl on angel street
so she waits for the call
and she waits for so long
knowing only too well
she tells herself there must be more
toujour l'amour l'amour
but she knows no one will care
so easy to forget
just another sad affair
with the girl on angel street
so easy to forget
the girl on angel street
she knows no one will care
so easy to forget
just another sad affair
the girl on angel street
she knows no one will care
so easy to forget
just another sad affair
with the girl on angel street
so easy to forget
with the girl on angel street
so easy to forget
just another sad affair
with the girl on angel street
so easy to forget
just another sad affair
the girl on angel street

Lonely world

2007-08-13T20:58:00.000-06:00

Misunderstood with words unspoken
Misunderstood when I speak
Lonely death with heart that's broken
Misery is all I find
Understanding is all I seek.

Blessed sleep and cursed sorrow
The sleep I would most bless
Is death.

Wait

2007-08-13T02:09:00.001-06:00

I wait for the hate
When someone again tells me
I'm too much of a freak to be bothered with
Defective
I know
And you wonder why
I am unable to trust.

Sharing Shakespeare

2007-08-08T13:54:00.000-06:00

Sonnet #51

Thus can my love excuse the slow offence
Of my dull bearer when from thee I speed:
From where thou art why should I haste me thence?
Till I return, of posting is no need.
O, what excuse will my poor beast then find,
When swift extremity can seem but slow?
Then should I spur, though mounted on the wind;
In winged speed no motion shall I know:
Then can no horse with my desire keep pace;
Therefore desire of perfect'st love being made,
Shall neigh--no dull flesh--in his fiery race;
But love, for love, thus shall excuse my jade;
Since from thee going he went wilful-slow,
Towards thee I'll run, and give him leave to go.

Beauty Within

2007-07-17T19:15:00.000-06:00

Sting and flash of silver
Blade rends flesh
The only thing of beauty about me
The blood that flows
Bearing the pain from within to the the surface
The blade strikes again
The only thing I know how to do right
More scars form
The blade strikes again

Under My Skin

2007-07-17T18:48:00.000-06:00

Burrowing under my skin like maggots
The self-hatred of my decaying soul
Stagnation killing what was left of my dreams
Acid tears burn away my heart
And what is left of my hope
A putrefying corpse
Bloated and pulsing with the flies
Exploding beneath the skin
The revenge of every dead dream
I, the walking dead
Victim of my bitterness and hate
Eating away at what is left of me
My dead dreams
Rot away my life
Sorrow explodes with in
Appearing alive without
The stench of the decaying truth
As I decay within my own skin.

SI

2007-07-17T00:54:00.001-06:00

It has become my strong opinion
That the greatest gift I could give the world
Would be to rid it of the plague of myself.

A Poem for my Stalker

2007-06-28T05:07:00.001-06:00

Sometimes we write a poem
About someone we love
About the beauty of a love returned
About the sorrow of love lost
The pain of love unrequited
The innocence of the love for a child
The power of love for sister or brother
The joy of love for a friend

But that's not what this poem is about
This poem is words wasted upon a waste of life
A creature that confounds
Dismays
Disgusts
Discourages
Plagues
Troubles
And pisses me off
For impinging his vile presence upon my thoughts

Hate
does not equal
Love

Get
it
through
your
thick
stupid
skull

And leave me the hell alone!

To my stupid stalker
The only thing any woman will ever dedicate to you
Are words describing how vile she thinks you are

There was never romance between us
Except in your delusional head
I never met you in person
Never gave you reason to believe that I was anything but a compassionate acquaintance
Never flirted
Never played hard to get
Because I don't want to be gotten
I want to be FORgotten
I want to be left in peace!
This is not a synonym for "I want you"
"I want to hear your scintillating thoughts"
"I await your every golden word"
"I love you secretly"
This is the straight up
real
unadulterated
exact translation for
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

and that is all it is or ever shall be.

Cie

The Straight Dope

2007-06-28T05:07:00.000-06:00

Been down so low for so long
So tired of feeling lack
Where is the land of milk and honey
The promise of silver and gold
The end of the stress of having nothing
And wanting something more
It's not enough to write pretty words
It's not enough to dream pretty dreams
It's not enough to smell the roses blooming by the side of the dirty street
It's not the recognition
It's not the money in the bank
It's not the fawning crowds that praise you with knives held behind their backs
It's the need for the illusion of security
That drives me
And why I keep coming back
No matter how many times I get kicked in the teeth
I need something more than this
Maybe it's not spiritually developed
Or admirable
But it's the truth.

Cie

My Sorrow

2007-04-20T08:40:00.000-06:00

The stench of my sorrow is as useless and ugly as I myself
Serving to change nothing
To comfort no-one
To do nothing but enrage
I am nothing but an ugly blight
And my sorrow nothing but a stain like blood marring a pristine linen sheet
Without me and the stench of my sorrow
The world would simply return to lying to itself
Pretending that all is wonderful
As long as one has the newest car, the finest house, the most jewelry
Ignoring as always the homeless, the sick, the dying
My sorrow does nothing
But annoy
And I shall remain but a failure
In a life that once held a lie disguised as a promise.

~Lily~
April 20 2007

Ghouls

2007-03-30T03:55:00.000-06:00

Opportunists
Soul vampires
When you are in a moment of weakness, they come
Devouring your self-regard like jackals tearing at the flesh of wounded prey
When things are at their worst, they come
Digging into the flesh of your heart like maggots on a corpse
Like ghouls digging into a fresh grave they unearth and exploit your pain
Some people live to hurt
To humiliate
To break
To rape
To forever warp one's love for oneself
And when the dark night of the soul descends
They spring from the shadows
To feast on your agony
Until nothing but a skeleton remains

Me
March 30 2007

Alone

2007-03-28T05:50:00.000-06:00

On a crowded street
In a room full of people
On a planet of millions
I was always
Am now
And ever will be
Alone.

03/28/07

Pretty Picture

2007-03-19T01:48:00.000-06:00

Which Love picture are you? (Big Pics)

Beautiful Tragedy
Take this quiz!

Quizilla
Join

Make A Quiz More Quizzes Grab Code

Pretty picture, strange quiz.

Magma

2007-03-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

The Earth tries to contain her blood
But sometimes it must spill
Bringing release and destruction
Thus it is
With those who cut their body
To relieve their pain.

Me
03/08/2006

Roses On A Grave

2007-02-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

I want to lie tangled in the thorns of the dead roses strewn upon your grave
And try to impart the last of my warmth to you
As the dying flame of hope within my putrefying heart
Is extinguished
My love was my decay.

(In honor of William Shakespeare, Edgar Allan Poe and Per Ohlin
Also inspired by the old English folk song, The Unquiet Grave)

Lily
(aka Cie)
February 12, 2007

Unforgettable Despair

2007-01-12T04:32:00.000-07:00

The horror of your desperate final act stains my mind red like your blood
I can never think of you without the image of your violent despair creeping up on me
Any inward glimpse of you forever tainted
By having viewed the sanguine results of your remorseless self-hatred
A broken soul's inner anguish exploding to the surface
Burning into the minds of all who were forced to view the aftermath
Your unforgettable despair
Cie
January 12 2007

Surrender

2007-01-08T07:09:00.000-07:00

I give myself over
To the cutting hate
Of the knowledge
That I am filth
That I am nothing
That I am unloved
Unwanted
Unmourned
I surrender to the knowledge
That my life is a waste.

Steel on Flesh

2006-12-26T00:40:00.000-07:00

Fragile peace with self
Shattered by the desire
To feel the sharp scream of pain as silver slashes skin
And blood erupts from the vein beneath
Not because cutting turns me on
And damn any idiot that believes anything so stupid
But because the pain that eats into my brain
Sometimes becomes more than I can take
Because madness isn't fun
Or sexy
I don't need your patronizing
Or your mocking
I know right from wrong
Visible from invisible
I don't see things that aren't there
Or hear voices
Although I do talk to spirits.
I haven't cut in years
But I want to now
Because sometimes I want to stop the voice
Of my own self-hate
If I could drag it out of me
I'd cut its damn throat
If I could, I would be happy
And sometimes I am
Pills don't bring joy
Or peace
Only occasional solace from the buzzing of the inner demons that tell me I'm shit.
The angels love the shiny happy people
And run from those whose souls bleed pain
Which is why sometimes steel on flesh
Has been the only way
To eradicate the cancer
Of intolerable psychic agony.

Cie
12/26/2006

To Those Who Think They Know What I Need

2006-12-19T01:05:00.001-07:00

Don't try to change me
To fit your view
Of what I should be
To make you more comfortable
Because something about me
Makes me question your values
I am
What I am
Maybe I'm completely mistaken
Maybe I'm utterly mad
Maybe I'm chasing myself in circles
Maybe I'm damned to eternal hellfire
Maybe everything I've ever done or thought or dreamed or believed is one big fucking stupid ugly lie
But don't you ever
ever
ever think
That you have the right
To tell me how to be
You may think you know better
But you don't live inside my soul
So don't you fucking try to force your values
Your beliefs
Your should be's
Onto me!

Cie
12/19/2006

Spirit Of The Moon

2006-12-10T01:43:00.001-07:00

Ethereal being, moonlight fair
With opal skin and moonstone hair
Wings of black like the night sky
Disappearing when the day is nigh

Daylight lays bare my misery
To the ridicule of those who see
The sorrow I cannot put to rights
My tears are hidden by the night

The moon-priest holds me to his breast
Safe in his arms allowed to rest
Embracing my secrets tenderly
Never mocking, sets me free

The daylight dwellers ridicule
Call me a madwoman and a fool
But their blind souls will never know
The beauty in the tender glow

Within the moonlight's sweet embrace
Even those despised are given grace
Flaws unacceptable in sun's bright light
Are sometimes beautiful at night

To those seen as ugly and maligned
The Spirit of the Moon is kind
Behind the black of nighttime's shield
The beauty of our souls, revealed.

Cie
12/11/2006

I generally prefer not to write rhyming poems, but I kind of like this one.

Achievable Aspirations

2006-12-10T01:43:00.000-07:00

I wish that in my youth I had aspired
To be a fat, ugly, gray-haired old woman
With no accomplishments to show for having achieved vintage status
For I would have succeeded undeniably.

Cie
12/10/2006

THIS is poetry???

2006-11-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

Click the title link, and be shocked, disgusted and appalled.
This is NOT poetry. This is stupid!

Done

2006-11-20T05:24:00.000-07:00

I don't want to do
What you want me to
Any more
When I'm done with what
I need to get done
I'm winking out
Like a genie going back into it's bottle
And I'm taking the goddamn bottle with me
So you can't bother me
With your wants
Needs
or unwanted desires
Any more
Your scapegoat is escaping
Your vicarious dreams are gone
In a puff of smoke
Your sacrificial lamb is growing horns
I'm gone
I'm done
I'm through
With your wants
Your wishes
Your needs
And you.

Cie
11/20/2006

The Soil Of My Heart

2006-11-03T05:42:00.000-07:00

The soil of my heart is poison
Bitter ground in which nothing good can grow
My hatred and my pain
Toxins in my veins
I spit venom and frighten away
All who would propose to save me
Save yourself
What you see here is the walking dead
No sweetness
No light
No goodness
No hope
Your kindness shall fall on a corpse's deaf ears
My blood is venom
My touch, death
My words, despair
Hate flows through my veins
Cursing me to continue hearing
The mocking of my hollow heart
If you cut me, I bleed acid
Searing your flesh
I tear away
Hiding back in the night with the rotting things
Dead and corrupt inside
Like me

Cie
10/03/2006

Free Me

2006-11-03T02:02:00.000-07:00

Let me out of myself
Before I suffocate in the vacuum
Of the emptiness in my heart
And the hopelessness in my mind.

Cie
11/03/2006

A Bit Surreal

2006-10-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

Hellish Beauty
Viewing the Lucifer beauty
Of a gossamer cloud stained rose, teal and golden by jet fuel
I realized that the gates of Hell are opulently adorned
And guarded by pornographic seraphs
Offering myriad empty pleasures of the flesh
No holds barred.

Cie
10/28/2006

Beneath the Surface

2006-10-25T10:31:00.000-06:00

This poem is excerpted from my book, which should be out next summer.

Beneath the Surface

Forgotten over the years
Pushed to the back of minds weighed down with mundane concerns
He waits in solitude for the day
When someone may remember, and keep him company

A chill wind blows from the north
Reminding one who lives along the shore
Of someone she held dear in time long past
Yet the thought is more a whisper than a shout

He feels the pain of being a promise broken
Yet still he abides behind the veil
A soul immortal cannot die
But can be buried by the wretchedness of anguish borne alone

He looks down upon the sea below his vantage point
And longs to be free of his boundless solitude
He extends his arms, and falling forward from the height, joins the sea birds in their flight
Twisting, wheeling, unafraid

The soul immortal cannot die
He touches surf and is drawn beneath the waves
The sun reflects off the surface of the water,
Revealing a dark, familiar shape below

Along another shore in a world far away
A woman feels a pang within her breast
She is weary and wishes she could sleep forever
And walk the shores of an eternal dream

Something lies beneath the surface of her memories
A treasure that she lost long ago
Someone who understood the unflagging sorrow
A breath inhaled and exhaled, lost forever

She will reach beyond the veil this night
And take the hand of the one who waits
Forgotten to the conscious mind that buries dreams beneath stacks of unpaid bills
Burdened by joys thrust aside in favor of unending toil

Some things cannot be explained away by logic
Tested away by science, prayed away by dogmatic religion
She has labored long and hard for futile gain
Happiness has waited long enough

Tonight she shall sail away to join the one who waits beneath the waves
To dwell on shadowed shores where the blinding light of the orthodoxy never reaches
She is weary of a world wherein to survive she must forget what she holds most dear
Tonight is her last night among the striving masses

Tonight at last he rises from the sea
To dwell forever in the shadows of a land
Created by the dark dreams of souls misunderstood
Never again shall he abide alone
For at last he has someone to dream with

Copyright 2006
Cara L. Hartley

Why Is This Place So Damn Gloomy???

2006-10-22T05:47:00.000-06:00

Mostly because I can't write poetry when I'm happy. Anything I try to write when I'm feeling good is either funny or it just plain sucks.

Reversal of Fortune

2006-10-16T00:53:00.000-06:00

Reversal of Fortune
See how everything crumbles when all hope is gone
Watch the world fall apart inside my troubled mind
What was beautiful in the eyes of the destroyed becomes monstrous
Watch as hope before me bleeds and dies
Watch as love turns to hate
Watch as dreams turn to nightmares
Watch as everything I've worked for crumbles into dust
Watch me wander through the ruins of every shattered dream
Every ruined hope
Every foolish wish
And laugh at the reversal of my imagined fortune
Laugh and revel
That you are "normal"
That your expectations do not exceed your reality
But if you had my reality
Your wishes too would be lies
I was born to die
But not allowed to live between the dates on my headstone.
Cie
10/16/2006

Undecided

2006-09-28T07:40:00.000-06:00

A feeling of terrible loneliness and betrayal washes over me
But I don't know if the sadness I experience is from my wounded heart
Or just my fucked up brain.

Cie
09/28/2006

Shakespeare Sonnet #80

2006-09-22T02:09:00.000-06:00

Sonnet #80
LXXX.
O, how I faint when I of you do write,
Knowing a better spirit doth use your name,
And in the praise thereof spends all his might,
To make me tongue-tied, speaking of your fame!
But since your worth, wide as the ocean is,
The humble as the proudest sail doth bear,
My saucy bark inferior far to his
On your broad main doth wilfully appear.
Your shallowest help will hold me up afloat,
Whilst he upon your soundless deep doth ride;
Or being wreck'd, I am a worthless boat,
He of tall building and of goodly pride:
Then if he thrive and I be cast away,
The worst was this; my love was my decay.

Deadly Secret

2006-09-11T22:22:00.000-06:00

The secret inside me
Is a raging infection
A boil threatening to burst
Spewing its polluted contents through my blood
Destroying my soul

My secret is a festering, infected wound
Deep inside of me
Hidden from the world
Exuding a putrid stench
That no-one but me can smell

My secret is the shame held by
Anyone who has ever been violated
The filth that can never be washed away
The unbidden, unwanted arousal over unwanted thoughts
The sickness over the parts we hide beneath our clothes

And no matter how often I remind myself
That others hold similar secrets
Mine still feels like the filthiest secret in the world
And I feel like the world's filthiest liar
Cloaking the infection from the world
Whenever I speak

Cie
09/11/2006

Alone With Myself

2006-08-15T06:08:00.000-06:00

Tonight the pain within my heart
Flows out on a river of wasted tears
Alone with the moon shining coldly down on my agony
Alone with the sound of no-one's footsteps at my door
Alone with the sound of my breaking heart
Alone with only the pathology of my distorted thoughts
I don't know what love is
I only know obsession and loss
Desire is not love
And this can't be love
Because love is not pain
Desperation is not desire
But desire can be confused with obsession
I wait
Dangerously alone
Obsessed with no-one I can see
Desiring something I can't touch
Desperate for something I can't have
Alone with my thoughts torturing me
My mind twists around itself
And I slowly
Painfully
Go insane

Cie
08/15/2006

Unrequited Again

2006-08-13T15:44:00.000-06:00

Unrequited Again

Hate myself.
Hate my stupid life.
I would want to come be with you
Except I know I'm not the one you want.

I don't want to find nobody new
It hurts too much whenever it's done
Guess I don't want nobody at all
I just want this shit to be finished.

I miss a love that never was
I miss believing that I could be loved
I miss you more than anything
But I don't want to live a lie

Born to weep
Born to lose
Born to die
But not soon enough

Cie
08/13/2006

True Beauty

2006-08-09T06:21:00.000-06:00

Beauty on the inside
Is more difficult to see
Than beauty external
But far more precious when uncovered
Unfading
Eternal

Cie
08/09/2006

Beautiful

2006-08-06T23:25:00.000-06:00

For everyone who has ever been the victim of incest or molestation as a child

May you know that you are beautiful
In spite of the ugliness that was inflicted on you
Don't let the one that did this to you win!
Don't punish yourself for their sick act
Don't hate yourself for their perversion
Don't cut your precious flesh
Don't despise your wounded soul
Don't bring yourself to an untimely end
As so many have before you
Because they couldn't stand the pain
Of the violation inflicted
Upon the innocent child that they were
Once you have been transgressed this way
You always feel soiled inside
And nothing can remove the stain
Not scrubbing your skin till it bleeds
Or drinking to purify the blight
Or stuffing your emotions back inside with too much food
Shooting up, smoking up or taking pills
What is it that can make us realize
That like a scar on the outside
The scars that others have inflicted on our psyches
May leave us less than perfect
But nonetheless still beautiful
Especially within the part of us that no violation can ever touch
Our eternal soul

Cie
08/06/2006

On Life and Death

2006-08-05T04:22:00.000-06:00

Dying reconciles everything, I suppose.
And like love, breaks hearts of those left behind.

Cie
08/05/2006

me gusta la noche

2006-08-03T05:34:00.000-06:00

me gusta la noche
I wish I could leave comments at Little Nomad's blog. I love her spicy, hit and run style! It's really worth a look. You'll smile!

Trinity

2006-08-03T05:17:00.000-06:00

She walks along the length of the couch
Across the computer keyboard
Stops to be scratched between the ears
She stands on her hind legs with her feet against the wall and meows
Everywhere I go she follows
She wants to be petted and praised
She doesn't like to sit on laps
Doesn't like to be held
Won't sleep any closer to you than your feet
I don't entirely understand her motivation
Nor do I understand how her owners could have abandoned such a beautiful animal
I know I'm glad she found me
And I would never dispose of my friend that way
She brings joy to the worst of days
I would say that she's more wonderful than she knows
But she's a cat, after all
So of course she knows she's wonderful.

Cie
08/03/2006

My Limitations

2006-08-02T01:53:00.000-06:00

I'd like to trust you
But I don't know how
Any more than I know how to
Raise the dead
Snuff out the sun
Turn silver to gold
End war
Soothe the millions
Who hurt and cry

I'd like to believe you when you say you care for me
Above all others
But I can't
Any more than I can believe
That time heals all wounds
That the world is flat
That everything happens for a reason
That the universe revolves around the Earth
That God gives a damn about us

With so many more beautiful
More willing to give in immediately
Willing to serve you any way you ask
How can I believe you
When you say you love me?
I guess I'm just limited that way.

Cie
08/02/2006

Crazy Good!

2006-07-30T03:01:00.000-06:00

Click the title link to see an idea whose time has come!
Found on the Dumbfoundry blog. A blog which is highly superior to mine and which I don't visit nearly as often as I should. :-)

The Destructive Power Of

2006-07-30T02:41:00.000-06:00

A wave of jealousy washed over me
And I in turn drowned you in a wave of anger
Triggered by a betrayal
That happened many years ago
In every perceived slight
I still see its spectre
I grieve that I allowed the denizen of this unquiet grave
To rise up in the desecrated ground of my heart
And cast its malignant chill
Over the warmth I feel for you

Cie
07/30/2006

Dark Obsession

2006-07-29T02:11:00.000-06:00

I'm not ashamed of you
And if I only could
I'd let the world know the way I feel
I treasure your peculiar beauty
The predatory look in your eyes
And the way you sink your fangs into my heart
Injecting your venom like a snake
Destroying all hope within my soul
But I can't risk letting anyone know
For I would only be seen as mad
And others who are as obsessed with you as I
Would seek to destroy what was left of me
You never used me as you did some of them
You let me know from the start
That I didn't measure up
I told the world that I didn't care
But when I am alone at night I dream of you
If you promised you would treasure my heart
I would let you cut it from my chest
If you promised you would cleave to my soul I'd sell it to you
Along with any chance for future happiness
What must I do to merit your attention?
You treat me with disdain and I endure your devaluation
You smile at me but for a moment and I soar above my degredation
I can tell no-one of the truth between you and me
"It isn't healthy," they would say
It's an addiction
An obsession
And they are right
But I would rather have cancer eat away what's left of my decaying heart
Than to lose the slender thread by which I cling to you
Dark hearted beauty
Twisted treasure
You are the secret which I keep
You are my dark obsession

Cie
07/29/2006

Doubt

2006-07-29T02:10:00.000-06:00

A hell of doubt
Surrounds
Compounds
And threatens to destroy
Everything

Cie
07/29/2006

Helpless

2006-07-27T23:45:00.000-06:00

I feel so helpless
There's nothing I can do
For you
You've gone too deep into the night
Too far down the stairs to hell
No words I say can bring you light
I feel afraid
Lost too many people
Don't want to lose another
My life has been falling apart from birth
Can't we help each other stand
Instead of trying to stand alone
Against the tides of everything?
I feel so useless
Why can't my sincere feelings reach you
Why can't my friendship be enough to save you
From this pit of misery
I feel so alone
No-one to turn to
No-one can help me save you
You can't hear unless you want to
And I can't say anything more
On a planet with billions of people
In the end
We all die alone

Cie
07/27/2006

suicide

2006-07-19T13:54:00.000-06:00

SUICIDE
The flesh is rent
The blood flows
Yet still the pain remains
The wound made deeper to extract
The intolerable anguish
Yet it remains
Deeply imbedded
Beyond the reach of the knife
Too slowly the blood flows
More drastic measures must be taken
To eliminate the pain
The life of the body ceases in a blinding flash
The life that was given ripped asunder in a moment
The soul, to its dismay, realizes too late
That deep within its core the pain remains

Love from my heart to the only one who truly understands my pain
This is his poem.
It's beautiful and sad
Like him.
07/19/2006

Lies or Misunderstandings

2006-07-17T23:09:00.000-06:00

LIES
Why do you lie
And pretend you care
Pretend to me
And yourself
That you wanted to be there
And when I need you
When I need a friend
When I need a shoulder
You run away
Gone
Was I something
That was interesting
At the beginning
But in the end
Being my friend
Was too complicated
Or was I too boring
Why
Do you lie
Did you pretend
You wanted a friend
When what you really wanted
Was something glamorous
That's not me
Or couldn't you see
My outsides don't lie
They reflect the I
That lives inside
Broken and twisted
Damaged goods
Forever scarred
Like the posessions that remain
After a house fire
Or the marks that remain on the skin
Of the victim of an accident
Or a beating
Or the scars that reside inside
From years of abuse
Betrayal
Abandonment
It is not wonderful to have a friend
For in the end
They all
Lie
And leave me alone again
Cie
07/17/2006

Keep Away

2006-06-18T18:57:00.000-06:00

KEEP AWAY
Don't get to know me
Don't offer your friendship to me
Keep away from me
You'll only hurt me

Remain superficial
Then everything stays safe
Ethereal kindness that means nothing
A connection without substance
Don't come closer
Keep away

A heart of stone feels no pain
But mine is flesh
And filled with all the raw emotions of my soul
Keep away
You'll only lie
End up telling me goodbye
Let's don't let it get that far
Keep your distance
Sweet and shallow
Meaningless, ethereal

Don't raise my hopes to drop me from the height
Don't make me think everything's all right
It never is once they find out how I am
So do me a favor if you want to be my friend
And keep away from me

Cie
06/18/2006

My Shadow

2006-06-11T03:46:00.000-06:00

He wraps himself around me
Arms and legs
Silent heartbeat
Ethereal warmth
Taking the edge off the growing chill
The shivering caused by too many years
Lived without hope

Cie
06/10/2006

Lord of Night

2006-06-07T22:28:00.000-06:00

The sorrows of the day past crush me down
I wish for solace, to escape the acid tears that sting my eyes
I long for the moment when I may finally lay to rest
Encompassed in your silken indigo embrace
Lord of Night, grant me the soothing oblivion of your caress
Wash away my sorrows with your nepenthe
Rock my troubled soul as on the waves of a calm ocean
And receive for your own the warmth of my devotion
Lord of Night, salvation of my soul
Cie
06/07/2006

Numb Again

2006-05-30T22:54:00.000-06:00

Please remember that I'm here
Please try to connect to me
For if you forget me for too long
Then I'll be forced to forget about you
To push you to the back of my mind
And the bottom of my aching heart
Maybe I really don't matter to you
And you're tired of me trying
I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt
But the first betrayal is the worst
The ones that follow a numb ache
So please remember
Because, sadly
With the dull throb of a heart too many times broken
I'm starting to believe
I should forget about you
Don't throw me a crumb now and then
Either nourish the connection
Or break it
And forget it
And leave me
Numb again.
Cie
05/30/2006

Makeup Mask

2006-05-27T22:56:00.000-06:00

I sometimes wonder
how many times
I have stopped
my tears from flowing
so as not to smear
my mascara
and my image of flawless cool

Cie
05/27/2006

I Don't Want To

2006-04-19T03:27:00.000-06:00

I don't want to hear
That you never loved me
That I was in this alone
That you used me like the rest of them
Until you tired of me
I don't want to hear
That you never thought me beautiful
That I never made your eyes sparkle
That I never touched your heart
I don't want to hear
That it was fun for a while
That I misunderstood your intentions
That I was just a bump in the road
That she's prettier than me
That what we had didn't mean anything
I don't want to hear
That I was nothing but a lie
That you were nothing but a dream
That I fooled myself
That you were just having fun
I don't want to hear
That I was as stupid as I know I am
I don't want to hear that it's over
I don't want to hear that it never existed
I don't want to hear myself cry
I don't want to hear anyone else lie
And say they love me
I don't want to hear
Anymore

Cie
04/19/2006

Requiem

2006-04-08T07:28:00.000-06:00

SHOULD'A
Should'a got drunk
Or done drugs to get through
Should'a done damn near anything
But what you chose to do

Should'a run screaming
Or howled at the moon
But you locked yourself up
With a gun in your room

I know how it feels
To be so alone
No-one understands
And you can't go home

There's so many other things
You should'a done
But you forget what to do
When your life's come undone

Some people say
That you should buck up and smile
They should try living
In pain for a while

Please understand
When I'm angry with you
I'm also trying to tell me
What I shouldn't do

TWO ALIKE
Too completely alike
Two souls isolated
One life that's been taken
One death contemplated

I saw you in a dream
You said it was your worst mistake
I try to listen to your wisdom
And not my heartache

Throughout this whole mess
One thing seems incomplete
Why two sorry people
Couldn't have been allowed to meet

Maybe we're too wrapped up in our pain
To be any damn kind of use
But if we shared compassion
It might counteract the abuse

I love you because I understand
I hate you because you didn't wait
We're two alike
I'm trying to escape a like fate

TORN APART
You'll never know what it would be like to have someone understand your pain
I'll never know what it would be like to have someone understand my rage
It does you no good for me to tell you that you royally fucked up
You already know, and I believe you're trying to help me not to make the same mistake
But it would be a whole hell of a lot easier to get it
If I were talking to a person with a face that I could see outside my dreams
With hands that could take the blade and pills from my hands
With a voice that I could hear in my ears
A friend that I could have in my waking reality
I believe the soul transcends death
But I still think it would be better if you could have conquered life
Learned what it is to be strong
And shared your strength with me
But you can't take back what happened
So the only thing that you can teach me now
Is that you can't fix the thing that's tearing you apart inside
By tearing yourself apart physically

MISUNDERSTOOD
Misunderstood then
Misunderstood now
Misunderstood forever
Could it help if you knew that someone understands?
Or is it truly too late
I understand
And I give a damn
May the peace that you never had in life
Be upon you in the afterlife
May your wounds heal
And may you learn to have compassion for yourself
RIP
Friend whom I wasn't able to know in life
But whom I care about in spirit

Cie

Written 04/05/06
For Per Yngve Ohlin
January 16, 1969-April 8, 1991
Read his poetry
Read my tribute to him at the Shadow Sphere

The Beautiful Dreams of an Unbeautiful Dreamer

2006-03-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

THE BEAUTIFUL DREAMS OF AN UNBEAUTIFUL DREAMER
I lie safe and happy in the arms of the perfect man
Not perfect in face or body
But perfectly sweet in spirit
Gentle in manner
A little bit shy
A little bit strange
Big sense of humor
Tempered with a little sadness
Strong, long-fingered hands
Caressing, appreciating
The parts of me I hate the most
Deep, warm kisses, only for me
Drawing me out of the shell of my fear
Into his arms and his heart
Returning his sweet love
I wake alone in my shabby room
Except for the animals wanting to be fed
And the neighbor's children shouting and jumping on the trampoline.
Cie
03/30/2006

But Is It Art??

2006-03-14T12:12:00.000-07:00

Click the title link for a laugh. I don't know if it's poetry. I know it ain't literature! But it rhymes. And it's funny. In my book, that's worth something for sure!
The Deadly Cheesemeister

Rex Venom

2006-02-24T02:17:00.000-07:00

Rex Venom
Straight dudes and lesbian ladies will like the pictures.
I, who am an Externally Straight Woman with an Inner Gay Dude, like the poetry!

If I Followed You

2006-02-13T03:32:00.000-07:00

If I Followed You

What would you do if I followed you?
When I'm so tired and sad inside
Feeling as unloved as you seemed to be
Would you give the love that you needed to me?

What would you do if I followed you?
Would you chase me away if I came near?
No-one's ever invited me to stay in their world
Unless they wanted to use me for something
Why should you be the exception?

What would you do if I followed you?
Would you take me into your heart?
Would you bury me alive in your rage and pain?
Would you hate me as much as you hated everything?

What would you do if I followed you?
Would you wash my soul clean with your tears?
Would you love me as much as you need to be loved?
Or would you discard me as you were discarded by life?

What would you do if I followed you?
Would you give me the understanding you crave?
Or would you mock me as you have been mocked?
Can the wounded ever hope to be healed?
Or are we doomed to cause one another eternal misery?

Following nothing I offer my love to no-one
I sacrifice my pain to nothing
I weep at the grave of no-one
And I drown the world in my desolate tears

Cie
02/13/2006

Let Sylvia Say It

2006-02-13T02:55:00.000-07:00

Can't think of one of my own...
So here's one by Sylvia Plath.
You've probably read it.
But I want to post it!

Mad Girl's Love Song
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
--Sylvia Plath