Is there anything more

Got nothing to believe in
Can't catch a break
Most times it seems to me
My life's one big mistake

All there seems to be is struggle
And nightmares may come true
All I feel is ugly
And bruised all the way through

Feel like the world's biggest loser
Can't seem to do anything right
I ain't afraid of dying
But can't seem to walk into the night

I wish I knew what I did so wrong
To be born to lose this way
Sometimes I wish the sun wouldn't come up
Don't want to live another day

Just want to run away and hide
Escape from my soul's pain
Only reason I don't suicide
I don't want to do this shit ever again

Karma's a bitch
And I am too
Some people's lives
Ain't nothing but screwed

Gonna slink back in the shadows
And feel plain bad some more
Maybe in some other life
I'll get an even score

But my luck won't change tomorrow
And it won't change today
So I lurk in the darkness
I guess that's where I'm gonna stay

I don't want to live this life
I'm tired of this shit
If there was the least opportunity
I'd take the chance to split

Just another bad day
In another bad way
My black heart beats ever on
More sour luck is on its way

Lily
On one of my bad days

Excerpt: To Those Who See

Each swan will always be a swan, beautiful and full of grace
Each blue jay will always remain a jay
No frog would ever try to induce a turtle to live his way
And perhaps that is the secret to peaceful co-existence
--Gwen Frostie

This is from a chapbook published in 1965, which, for what it's worth, is the year I was born. It is on display at the retirement community where I work.

Weary

I'm so very tired and sad
I've lost the music and the magic and the dreams
I've lost the mystery and the ability to use my imagination
To build new worlds
I've lost my hope, I've lost my faith
I've lost my precious yesterdays and my better tomorrows
I've lost the belief that anything holds any meaning
In the eyes of a cold and impersonal universe
My heart is bruised and broken in my chest
And everything goes on and on forever still

Signs of Spring

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of love
but of
a rotting corpse bloating in the sun

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of carefree days of youth
but of days
Spent thinking of slitting my wrists
To escape the sadistic peers
of youth

Spring comes on
Making me feel not renewed
But desperate
Trapped
Suicidal

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of happy childhood
But of fire ants
And packs of mad dogs
And rapists of little girls
And a nasty old fundamentalist Christian neighbor who called me a slut
For running about without a shirt
I was six years old

Spring comes on
And I wish I were gone
Across the sea
Across the galaxy
My body rotting in its grave
While my shade haunts the surrounding cemetery
Being anyone but me
Anywhere but here

Spring comes on
And reminds me
Of what a failure I always was
Still am
And ever will be

Spring comes on
And reminds me that hell is eternity
And the devil's garden is filled with tiny purple flowers that choke the breath from me
And smell like rotting dead things

Spring comes on
With horrible sunny days to torture me
And remind me that I don't belong
And I wish against all hope that it would rain
And erase the ugly feeling of the season
When I first tried to commit suicide
Almost 30 years ago

Some things are buried
And even rot
But never die

The promise of spring
For me has never been
Anything but a mocking lie
Like the words "I love you"
Spoken by the silken tongues of evil boys
Who didn't know the meaning of the word
Who wanted a fuck and didn't care who they hurt to get one

You love the beauty of spring
But for me it means only ugliness and death
Within and without
And I will be just as happy to see it gone again

Lily
April 29 2009

Work computer

This computer at work
Shudders and jerks
Must be dying, I say
It crashes each day
But the administrators all cry
A new one ain't in the budget
So you better just stuff it
And get back to work
Or you'll be out on the street
Down, discouraged and beat
In the middle of recession
Fire ain't no blessin'

Poem in memory of my co-author

You fell to earth like a meteor
Scorching the minds and hearts of all whose souls were not already too blackened to feel
And changing the world forever
Lily

The dead weep

The undying sorrow
of my black heart
pours from my bleeding mouth

Yellow tears
from putrefied eyes
reveal the depths of agony
in my dead soul

Ivy grows and strangles
the last of hope
from my decaying brain

Life after death
reincarnation
All horrifying thoughts
I don't ever want to do this again

Lily
(with or without help...I don't know)

Darkness Within

My heart is too dark
No amount of light can ever penetrate
The blackness in my soul

Where does one find hope
When nothing can reach
Into the depths
Of the pitch black
That is my psyche