Signs of Spring

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of love
but of
a rotting corpse bloating in the sun

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of carefree days of youth
but of days
Spent thinking of slitting my wrists
To escape the sadistic peers
of youth

Spring comes on
Making me feel not renewed
But desperate
Trapped
Suicidal

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of happy childhood
But of fire ants
And packs of mad dogs
And rapists of little girls
And a nasty old fundamentalist Christian neighbor who called me a slut
For running about without a shirt
I was six years old

Spring comes on
And I wish I were gone
Across the sea
Across the galaxy
My body rotting in its grave
While my shade haunts the surrounding cemetery
Being anyone but me
Anywhere but here

Spring comes on
And reminds me
Of what a failure I always was
Still am
And ever will be

Spring comes on
And reminds me that hell is eternity
And the devil's garden is filled with tiny purple flowers that choke the breath from me
And smell like rotting dead things

Spring comes on
With horrible sunny days to torture me
And remind me that I don't belong
And I wish against all hope that it would rain
And erase the ugly feeling of the season
When I first tried to commit suicide
Almost 30 years ago

Some things are buried
And even rot
But never die

The promise of spring
For me has never been
Anything but a mocking lie
Like the words "I love you"
Spoken by the silken tongues of evil boys
Who didn't know the meaning of the word
Who wanted a fuck and didn't care who they hurt to get one

You love the beauty of spring
But for me it means only ugliness and death
Within and without
And I will be just as happy to see it gone again

Lily
April 29 2009