Weary

I'm so very tired and sad
I've lost the music and the magic and the dreams
I've lost the mystery and the ability to use my imagination
To build new worlds
I've lost my hope, I've lost my faith
I've lost my precious yesterdays and my better tomorrows
I've lost the belief that anything holds any meaning
In the eyes of a cold and impersonal universe
My heart is bruised and broken in my chest
And everything goes on and on forever still

Signs of Spring

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of love
but of
a rotting corpse bloating in the sun

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of carefree days of youth
but of days
Spent thinking of slitting my wrists
To escape the sadistic peers
of youth

Spring comes on
Making me feel not renewed
But desperate
Trapped
Suicidal

Spring comes on
Reminding me not of happy childhood
But of fire ants
And packs of mad dogs
And rapists of little girls
And a nasty old fundamentalist Christian neighbor who called me a slut
For running about without a shirt
I was six years old

Spring comes on
And I wish I were gone
Across the sea
Across the galaxy
My body rotting in its grave
While my shade haunts the surrounding cemetery
Being anyone but me
Anywhere but here

Spring comes on
And reminds me
Of what a failure I always was
Still am
And ever will be

Spring comes on
And reminds me that hell is eternity
And the devil's garden is filled with tiny purple flowers that choke the breath from me
And smell like rotting dead things

Spring comes on
With horrible sunny days to torture me
And remind me that I don't belong
And I wish against all hope that it would rain
And erase the ugly feeling of the season
When I first tried to commit suicide
Almost 30 years ago

Some things are buried
And even rot
But never die

The promise of spring
For me has never been
Anything but a mocking lie
Like the words "I love you"
Spoken by the silken tongues of evil boys
Who didn't know the meaning of the word
Who wanted a fuck and didn't care who they hurt to get one

You love the beauty of spring
But for me it means only ugliness and death
Within and without
And I will be just as happy to see it gone again

Lily
April 29 2009

Work computer

This computer at work
Shudders and jerks
Must be dying, I say
It crashes each day
But the administrators all cry
A new one ain't in the budget
So you better just stuff it
And get back to work
Or you'll be out on the street
Down, discouraged and beat
In the middle of recession
Fire ain't no blessin'

Poem in memory of my co-author

You fell to earth like a meteor
Scorching the minds and hearts of all whose souls were not already too blackened to feel
And changing the world forever
Lily

The dead weep

The undying sorrow
of my black heart
pours from my bleeding mouth

Yellow tears
from putrefied eyes
reveal the depths of agony
in my dead soul

Ivy grows and strangles
the last of hope
from my decaying brain

Life after death
reincarnation
All horrifying thoughts
I don't ever want to do this again

Lily
(with or without help...I don't know)

Darkness Within

My heart is too dark
No amount of light can ever penetrate
The blackness in my soul

Where does one find hope
When nothing can reach
Into the depths
Of the pitch black
That is my psyche

Regrets for a Dying Year

At the end of the dying year
I kneel in my remorse-filled dreams
On the grave of somebody
That no-one ever knew

The roots of dead branches claw the gray sky
And I attend the funeral
Of the self that was never allowed to be

26 December 2008

Animal welfare drive

Please consider making a donation to this drive for animal welfare. When you do, please mention my name, Lily Strange, on the donation form, and you will get a free reading. Thank you!

Animal welfare drive

Please consider making a donation to this drive for animal welfare. When you do, please mention my name, Lily Strange, on the donation form, and you will get a free reading. Thank you!

The Battle Field

The Battle Field

Standing before the battle ground

Witnessing the carnage

Of a life lived in turmoil

Ended by the desperation of one self

Who could no longer bear the torture of his thoughts

The destruction that he wrought

Was only upon himself

But the aftermath is more wide spread

Than any one could know

The memory carried within the hearts, the minds, the souls

For perhaps a hundred or more years to come

A legacy unspeakable

Did he manage to put an end to the ugliness in some small way

Even if not the sorrow?

I hated you for years

I love you now again

I forgive you for the transgressions you make

Please forgive me for mine

My shadow brother

(Channeled from my co-author. The host personality of his soul speaking to the protector personality with whom he was at war for many years.--LS)

My New Social Network

Are you the open-minded sort? Have you ever been described as left of center? Are you possibly creative, potentially psychic, or maybe just psycho? Then come join my new fellowship! I created it especially for freaks like you and me.

Visit New Strange World

Sunset on my Life

The sun setting on the beach makes me to feel a little bit sad.
I go wherever I want to in time
But am not seen by those I knew
I am called away when I think it is too soon
But I am not the wise one
And so I accept my fate
And wait to understand
And try to do a little more
Than just lie down and sleep

I am a friend of the Lurker in Shadow aka the Undead Asshole
This profile is legion and used by many
And we're all ghosts
Boo!

Dissipation

My youth
My hopes
My dreams
Wash away

Like blood running
Into the gutter
From the gaping gash
In the throat of the murderer's victim

His voice and mine
Both forever silent now.

A loss invisible to most

Just feeling like I'm losing the real me
In the middle of trying to be
What everyone else wants me to.

Cancer of the Soul

Apathy
Born of disappointment
Bastard child of exhaustion
Infects my heart and mind
And metastasizes to my soul

The husks of lost tomorrows
The putrefying corpses of dead dreams
Litter the landscape of my psyche
My joy turns to dust
My hopes rot unburied on a hateful landscape of delusion
As the merciless sun burns scorches the dying world of my visions

The cancer of apathy consumes my ability to care
Love floats bloated and dead on a sea of filth
I want to care
I want to feel
I want to open my arms and embrace
Death

My heart would explode if I were to allow myself to feel
The cancer of apathy tightens about it like a vine
Chokes the life from all that I ever held dear
I am a husk
A shell
An appearance of something human

I am poisoned by the chemotherapy of normalcy
I stand undead
Enraged
Wishing to tear out the hearts of all that judged me
Wishing to feel something besides hate
Wishing to wake up and find something beautiful.

Lily and Shadow Lurker

The concept was mine but the weight of the embellishment is my spectral friend's. The style I use to express such things is different. It's pretty difficult for me to write poetry any more but he took the idea and ran with it. The medical references are from my mind--I've had way more medical training than I'd ever have wished.

He states that the death reference obviously doesn't mean physically dying in his case. He still gets depressed and wishes he could shut off his mind. Direct quote:

"This is the dirty trick on anyone that chooses to kill themselfs. Your thoughts will never shut up! If you think to shut up your unhappiness by dying, the joke is on you."

I try to keep that in mind because sometimes the temptation to give up is strong.

I also don't want to leave the suicide legacy to my son, who suffers from bouts of severe depression. If I was to yack myself, the message his psyche would hear would be "this is the only way to solve things." The world needs more people like him. So I want him to keep fighting.

Besides, the minute I showed up on the other side, the tall, gaunt dude would smack me so hard my head would spin around Exorcist-style in order to try and clear the wax out of my ears. He's always accusing me of not listening as it is. I'm listening--I'm just ignoring him!

Only joking. I actually do hear. But my brain, which is made of lime Jello, works slow and sometimes things take a while to penetrate the coagulation. Besides, he's a little fucker that teases me about stuff all the time, so I have to make vain attempts to get even every now and then.

Doing this actually made me feel better. I hope it had the same effect for my friend. Yes, I give him shit, but the truth is, I love you, Dude.

There's some good vengeance. He ought to be cringing for some time now! >;)

Exhumed Soul

Debated sharing this. Am considering asking it to be included at the end of the new book, but do not know if it is good enough.

Exhumed Soul

Have care with the decision you make
You can never have returned
The life that you take

Six feet deep my body lies
My voice longs to speak
I am longing to weep
But have no eyes to cry

My heart ceased to beat
But still I feel the pain in my breast
Dead but not gone
Never to rest

Will anyone ever hear
The silent screams
Will anyone ever heal
The wounds upon my soul

My body cares not
But I long to live

(a note that I have help to rhyme my English now but do not care to do so very often, though once I thought it would be well if I could be better at it.)

Bits of Me

I watch remorsefully from above
As bits of my life tumble into the rushing river below
And race away from me forever

I am losing myself
Bit by bit
Day by day
To a world that doesn't care what anyone has to say
Or about the hearts of anyone who dwells herein

I still think I'm an alien
And I'm still waiting to go home.

Cie

Words from Heaven

The late "Dobro" was an incredible poet. I wish I could have "met" her while she was still living. She was bipolar and suffered from schizoaffective dosorder as well.
Read Storms of Madness here.

Missing

I've gone missing and don't know where to find myself
Wasn't I a girl last time I looked?
A girl with hopes and dreams and all her life ahead?

When did I become this thing
This bloated, hopeless, human lie
With every possibility buried in the dust of time
And nothing to look forward to
Except the grave

Forever

Forever is a lie a child tells herself

Forever love
Forever friendship
Forever family

Family members die because life is not eternal
Lovers lie
Friends leave

Forever is a lie that would be wonderful to believe